The following are some rambling thoughts about my so-called weight loss journey. Obviously, I don’t mean this as a judgement on anyone else. This is just how I’m perceiving my life and my body right now as it is.
I want to be 125 lbs by the end of the month. I also feel like I ate all the sushi in the world last night. These two things don’t go well together, and so now I’m going to blog about my dieting journey so far.
I’ve been trying to do the whole healthy eating thing since the beginning of June, and at first it was honestly going great. I lost 5 lbs and was super motivated…and then July hit and somehow, that all went down the drain. I don’t know what happened. I still followed all the same health blogs, read all the same magazines, went to the gym just as often, but the motivation to eat well just wasn’t there.
Part of this comes from my constant desire to snack. It’s a little ridiculous what I find myself craving throughout the day. Like, right now I would kill someone for a muffin. I’m not going to get the muffin because that’s not part of my meal plan for today but by god, if someone put a tray of muffins in front of me, it would be gone in five seconds flat. Not helping this fact is the…well, fact that there just seems to be snacks everywhere. At work, at home, everywhere. Even when I buy healthy snacks, the proportions are what get me. Yeah, one bag of low butter popcorn might be only 100 calories, but when you get the urge to eat like…4 of those bags in one sitting, suddenly they aren’t so healthy.
This entire ordeal really started last year when I suddenly gained a bunch of weight. I’ve always hovered somewhere around the 120 lbs mark with the knowledge that for my height, that was slightly over what I should be. But still, I was comfortable with that. Then over the holiday season with all the chocolate and office lunches and going on anti-anxiety meds, I suddenly rocketed up to 136. That’s the weight I hit when I knew I needed to change my habits. Lately, I’ve been stuck at about 130 lbs and can’t quite seem to get motivated to really push my weight lower. I’ll hit 129 and then suddenly the cravings will hit and I’ll get sucked back into the 30s again. I know some people want to be in that range, but it’s not for me.
I just feel so tired of it all. Like there’s this one woman on the bus who legitimately eats a brownie and coke for breakfast and she’s rail thin, but I look at a cookie the wrong way and gain weight. It just seems to unfair. I don’t even want a brownie first thing in the morning, but I wish I could have that option. At my thinnest, I was at 118 and that was exercising every single day using Blogilates and not watching what I was eating all that much. Maybe it’s because of the anti-anxiety meds, but that strategy doesn’t seem to work anymore. I can’t outrun my fork like I used to. Also, much love to Blogilates, but Cassey Ho is super chipper and unlike my last attempt….I just don’t feel the chipper-ness. I feel bogged down, worried all the time, and my only motivation at this point is feeling sorry for myself whenever I step on a scale.
So that’s it. I’m hoping whatever positive force that got me through June returns before I mess up August like I did July. You can follow me on My Fitness Pal if you’re so inclined, and please, leave your own dieting experiences in the comments below.